Life Alert
by dead drifter
Summary: ONESHOT. Akatsuki Crack! Kakuzu and Hidan share a food fight and later, Kakuzu has a heart attack. Renamed, now just a oneshot.


"**Crack, the other White Meat"**

**Chapter 1: Life Alert**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Burger King, Life Alert or anything else. Seriously. **

**A/N: If I get enough reviews, I may add to this, you know, as in make it a series of random Crack moments! It might just be Kakuzu and Hidan on the road, but I think I'll go into Akatsuki withdrawal if I don't include the other members! I mean, what is a Crack Akatsuki story written by me without Pledge or the Gumby Mailbox?! **

**C is for Crack and Candy and Cane and Cookie and Cake and Crazy and Coke:P**

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"Hey, old fuck, are you gonna eat that?"

The miser and the priest were eating Burger King in some seedy motel Kakuzu had chosen for its…cheapness.

They were on a mission, well, on the way back from a mission anyway, and things had gone fairly well.

Considering that Hidan had managed to get a giant shuriken lodged in his ear and his head chopped off only three times, things had gone very well indeed.

Too bad his vocal chords hadn't been damaged.

"Helloooooo, I'm talking to you, dirty rotten bastard!"

Kakuzu, who'd been reading his cup, looked over at Hidan and glared.

"Take the whole damned thing, fries are bad for my cholesterol anyway."

"Psh, what, are you on a diet again? You're such a woman sometimes, Kakuzu…"

Kakuzu threw his fry pod at Hidan's face.

Hidan grabbed the empty pod, crumbled it up and threw it back at Kakuzu.

"Hidan, don't start shit with me!" Kakuzu snarled, chucking his whopper across the dinky kitchen table.

It hit the priest in the face with a loud, meaty Smack and slid down slowly. A pickle clung desperately to Hidan's left eye.

"Fuck you, old miser!" Hidan howled, and peeled the pickle off of his eye, flicked it at Kakuzu, and then tossed his chocolate milkshake over the table.

The old missing Falls nin sat there for a brief moment, face dripping in the frozen choc lately treat.

"That's it, you shirtless fuck head! I'll carve out your heart and shove it down your throat!"

Kakuzu lunged at Hidan and went right for his neck, planning on throttling him until he passed out.

Unfortunately, the strain on Hidan's neck was too much, and his head popped off and rolled onto the floor.

Kakuzu shook his head in exasperation and dropped the body.

He walked over to Hidan's head, which was unable to bitch very loud since he was face down, his lips pressed up against the old moldy carpeting.

With a smirk on his face, Kakuzu pushed Hidan's head with his toe so that he faced up.

"Jashin damn you, fucking old fruity fart! Don't you smile at me, you heathen son of a cheap whore!"

"I'm going to go take a shower. Clean this up for me, will you?" Kakuzu said with a chuckle and headed for the bathroom.

"Hey! Hey, you can't leave me like this! I have pickle juice leaking into my fucking eye, you inconsiderate ass! Jashin damned vinegar right in my eye! Curse you, fucking greedy old miser! Seriously! Rot in Hell, Kakuzuuuuuuu!"

Kakuzu laughed even harder as he slammed the bathroom door shut.

The old missing Falls nin was glad the water drowned out Hidan's bitching.

When his shower was done, Kakuzu stepped out of the tub, but he slipped, and fell hard onto the tile, hitting his head on the edge of the tub as he went down.

The shock of the fall gave the old man a heart attack.

And he really didn't want to lose this heart…

"Help!" Kakuzu cried. He faintly heard Hidan cackling.

'The smarmy little bastard would pay…'

Kakuzu then remembered that he'd gotten a Life Alert for his birthday a few weeks ago.

The old man reached for the Life Alert pendant hanging from his neck, but his arm had gone numb from the heart attack.

Cursing, Kakuzu used his left arm instead, and pressed the button.

"I've fallen…and I can't get up!" Kakuzu screamed.

Suddenly, an operator with a heavy Konoha redneck accent spoke through the Life Alert.

"Don't worry, Mr. Kakuzu. We're sending an ambulance and your Leader right away!"

Kakuzu lay there, wondering if he'd broken a hip…


End file.
